Lost in the Woods

From: golden3000997
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 9:34 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy] Where is everybody?

Dearest Jan,

I haven't even responded to your first loving response to me and some of the conversations that I have been involved in here. I just came home from seeing "The Return of the King". Every muscle in my body and head hurts from the tension of going through it all. I had a rather amazing conversation with the fellow who sat next to me before the movie started, by the way.

I just came home and I am loop-playing "May It Be" from "The Fellowship of the Ring". I haven't finished downloading the music from "The Two Towers" and must work madly to get that and ROTK.

I came in and turned on my "little demon", my little Gollum of a computer and hoped to find something to sooth my body, mind, heart and soul and I found you waiting for me! Out of the thousands of knowings and layers of reality that lives in this story, one thing is so outstanding and speaks to what you have given me about the Apple Tree. That is how we have to come in a multitude of shapes and forms, different paths lead us to and fro. We have to learn to recognize each other, no matter what form we take, even the forms of our thinking. We have to look for the common thread and not be sidetracked by the differences. What good is it to argue about the Saturn or Sun mysteries or whether we are Artistotelean or Platonic? What does it matter if one is a dwarf, an elf, a man or a hobbit? We all have a role to play, a task to accomplish and a burden to bear. Who knows which of us will stand at the mouth of the fire? Tonight Gimli the Dwarf turned to Legolas the Elf and said "I never thought that when the end came, it would be with an Elf" and Legolas replied, "How about with a friend, then?"

This is what I have said before about Lievegood's book Toward the 21st Century - Doing the Good. What I took from that reading is that it is almost useless to try to figure out what is "right" because the good arises from what we do - and we may not and mostly do not know if what we do is good until we have done it.

I think you realize that "In the Absence of Men" was not a permanent condition, just a respite in my own personal emotional battles. Trying to anchor my sense of self that so easily slips away.

Jan, I know that I am speaking with you in an open space where others may hear. But this is for Harvey, Danny, Mike and all, too, even though it is a secret. : ) I want to share something I have never spoken to another person. This is my deepest prayer, the prayer that I have prayed in my most extremely anguished moments. I don't think this prayer has been answered yet and I fear the day when it is answered, because that day will be the most difficult of all yet I can't help praying it. This then, is my prayer, "Please God, don't waste me!" Understand, please understand, it is not arrogance. It comes from knowing that I have been given certain gifts and asking "what are they for?" Although we come here again and again, we never come with quite the same bundle of gifts and abilities. "You only live once." is true. We only live once as we are right now. We will be something or someone else another day. But today, this is who we are. So please, God, don't let it go to waste. Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times. I feel lost in the woods.

May It Be
Enya
(The Lord Of The Rings)

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utulie ([Quenya:] Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie ([Quenya:] Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadow's call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utulie ([Quenya:] Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way

Mornie alantie ([Quenya:] Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

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From: Steinerhead
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2003 9:24 pm
Subject: lost in the woods

In a message dated 12/18/03 5:37:08 AM !!!First Boot!!!, golden3000997 writes:

<snip>

We only live once as we are right now. We will be something or someone else another day. But today, this is who we are. So please, God, don't let it go to waste. Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times. I feel lost in the woods.

<snip>

Dear Christine:

I was deeply moved by your letter to Jan. Thank you for sharing it with us all. In this weird world of Synchronicity, your words above struck me at just the right time. I thought for sure that I was destined to become a Waldorf High school History teacher. Everything fell into place last year and it seemed so right. For the first time in my life I _knew_what I really wanted to do, not just in my head, but in my heart as well. The challenges that I have endured since entering the training have been many. Great upheaval has come to me, and a part of me realizes that it is necessary. I kept trying to hold on to the archetype (Christ) with my thinking, and thus far I have learned so much from it all.

But today, I realized that I had to drop out of the training. I was lead to believe that I would receive enough loans, after making a substantial deposit, and regular monthly payments, to cover my tuition for the next two years (about $13,000). I have been inquiring about these loans since Sept. but could not get an answer. Well, finally I called today and was told that I was denied back in Sept. It took them three months to tell me this!

Having two children in a Waldorf School, I simply cannot afford to continue. So I wrote to the director of the program (Douglas Gerwin) today and told him that I was dropping out.

Studying to become a Waldorf teacher has been my dream-come-true for the past year, and I did not come to it because of Waldorf Education; I came to it because of Anthroposophy...

So please, God, don't let it go to waste. Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times. I feel lost in the woods.

Sadly

Mike

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From: golden3000997
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 5:10 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods

Dearest Mike,

This is so hard for you. It is so terrible because we don't know why these things happen. This is perhaps one of the deepest reasons why people wish they were "psychic" or wish they knew someone who was and could tell them. The questions arise:

1. Is it the "will of God" because He/She has something else in mind for me that I don't know about yet?

2. Is it the "will of God" or my destiny because I am "not good enough" to fulfill what I thought was my mission?

3. Is it something in my "lower self" that has created some sort of "sabotage" in this situation that I don't even realize because it lives mostly in my subconcious?

4. Is it the power of the "negative forces" which work to prevent the good; in this case, the good being that I really am meant to do this thing?

5. If it is the power of the "negative forces" am I too weak spiritually to overcome them?

6. If it is the power of the "negative forces" and the problem does not totally lie in myself, has this resulted because the part of the situation that lies outside my personal control and destiny has been corrupted or badly formed and the help that I need is not forthcoming? (After all, we can't accomplish everything alone.)

These are mighty questions of destiny and karma. I have faced the firey wall of denial many times and kicked and screamed in the face of it. Of course, I can look back and say to some of those situations, "Oh, now I see the good that has resulted." But not always. There are those situations that I still wonder why about and can't fully accept that my life and the lives of others are better for not having done those things.

I lived a "missionary" kind of life in my twenties and had very off-beat and difficult teaching experiences. A lot of it came from my own turbulent self. But I was "lucky" in my timing, in a way. Life was cheaper then, one could get by on really very little money in comparison to today. There are so many things that I want to do now, but don't have the money to start. I live paycheck to paycheck and am in deep debt to my next door neighber (guardian angel) who gave me a really substantial amount of money to survive on this summer while I was out of work. I have had to learn to work as a secretary and I am still in the process of being hired fully where I am. I have been working as a temp and I was "supposed" to be hired permanently after 6 weeks at $36,000.00 a year. Day before yesterday, my boss told me he was ready to hire me (after 100 days) at $32,000.00. Of course, I am trapped into taking it and trapped into being grateful!! The job market is such that I can't just walk out and say "*$!* you". And I don't even own a car or have a mortgage. I don't even have a lease!!! Talk about a sense of insecurity!

I have even had to be grateful in this life that I never had children, because I could not have afforded them. Something's not really right about that, is it? How I would love to adopt. I always wanted to adopt children, even when I was a teenager. What is the biggest obstacle? Money!

I took a student loan in 1976 to help pay for my Foundation Year. I was enrolled in the New York State community college system concurrently. The loan was for about $1,900.00. I was never able to pay it and it has blossomed into over $6,000.00! The past two years, in my previous job, my wages were garnished at 10% (about $200.00 per month). This also cut into my ability to "get ahead" financially! It will start again whenever I am in a job long enough for them to catch up to me via income taxes.

I have had several experiences "applying" for a "job" as a Waldorf Teacher where I felt like a beggar. Ideally, one should not go to "apply" for a "job" in a Waldorf school. One should go as an honored guest as if one were to be received into a family. A school should receive each "applicant" as already a brother or sister, and the question should only be where are their particular children or how can their particular gifts be properly received. There aren't that many of us, you know. I have had the impression from "established" schools that they are so great, a teacher should feel honored to be considered for a job there! Last year, I inquired of about 6 schools and sent each a CD with all of my articles, stories, poems and a full biography with lots of pix. Not one of them has looked at the CD or given my any response or feedback, even after I asked them to repeatedly! Emerson School even insisted that I still send them a "handwritten" letter because they "feel like we have met you when we see your handwriting." Come on now! They haven't read my work! What is going on? There is just so much ego going on - it's like a brick wall around the movement!

I have a little treatise that I wrote about the funding of Waldorf Schools. I daren't show it, because I know that it will engender violent backlash. But I really believe that we are going about this all wrong in the US. And that not finding the right paradigm for the production and use of money is our greatest "Achilles heel". But to present it to the movement would challenge all of their set beliefs and raise their "egos" for defense! And of course, the funding for student teachers should follow the same lines and the same paradigm. I will e-mail it to you separately, because it is a really "subversive" document.

These are some of the main reasons that I feel that I "don't fit in" with the Waldorf community at large, either. I am fully ready to look at my own shortcomings as a person and as a teacher and to have my fellow teachers say, "now look, Christine, there are some things about you that need improvement before we can take you in fully." But they don't even look! They can't be bothered! It is really strange.

Did you see my writing to Joel about the lack of hospitality in the Waldorf School movement? I am trying to send these to both groups because I have friends in both and the conversations involve all of us, really. There is something really wrong. I am willing to say "maybe it's just me." But then again, I'm not so sure.

Is this a manifestation of the work of Ahriman in the money sphere, preventing anything that doesn't meet his approval and Lucifer in the social sphere, making sure that the Waldorf movement is saturated with pride disguised as "spiritual discernment"? Not one of us, not even the wonderful teachers I met in my youth, is a "perfect" human being or fully developed spiritually. Even the teachers in the first school in Stuttgart visibly diminished in ability, stature and stamina once Rudolf Steiner was no longer among them in person. So I can't fully accept that they have the right to judge who is fit and who is not to enter their "sacred realm". Something else is going on here, and it's really frustrating.

Come on, God, we need help! Show us our errors, or else please send some aid!!

Anybody seen an Elf recently?

Love,
Christine

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From: dottie zold
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:28 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!

Christine
Come on, God, we need help! Show us our errors, or else please send some aid!!

Dear Christine,

You do not have any errors. You are perfect who you are and who you are transforming into. Why do you want somethinig that doesn't want you? That is there fault. Create your own thing in the face of this because this is what you care for.

All the questions looking to, is it this in me, is it that, in me are just fear and doubt against their reactions. You are working on the things you need to be working on in the time you need to be working on them. Just trust and have faith you are exactly where you need to be. Don't question why, just be there and figure your next move. You don't need to grovel. You are amazing and I think its the Universes' way of getting you to realize your inherent power and then utilizing it for what you came here for.

You asked to be of service and it will be granted you. Your heart must have always asked this and through this we take many trials and tribulations and our present way of thinking/feeling doesn't allow us to see it. Because we WANT this and or that to have been or be. It doesn't matter if it doesn't match up what the spirit came looking for, be very thankful even if you can't see it. I don't think this means to be thankful for pain and so forth rather be thankful that your spirit is honoring your higherself than your lower self in this world. YOu are very sad as are we all in rejection and it hurts like a mother @$%^&* I know, been there and way done that. And what I learned about these things are to ground myself and forge ahead not looking back other than to see what I can learn from the experience. I trust the reason of the spirit and I know that is behind all. We are dealing with all that we are and forging powerfully and humbly ahead. As it should be.

I took on a vow of poverty many years ago. I have never had more money in my life than I do right now. I was in similar situations regarding rent and car and so forth. But now I decide to give my money away as fast as I get it. It tries to keep a hold on us I realized which is why I am bereft that they are bringing the Mastercard (interesting name) to Iraq. I started out a few years ago downsizing my life after a good friends suicide. I came to the place I now work where I first began mopping floors and cleaning bathrooms as a way to get small within myself. Through this act I took on a vow of poverty and chastity. Now I am the business director of said place. I just filmed my first short, shot two documentaries and am in preproduction for a bigfish. I decided that it was only to God that I owed my life. And in God is my self, my self in God, so I live up to the highest ideal I can have of my Godself. That means I do the things I like to do to make money. And you can to. You can stay at that secretary job till you forge and create that which you are longing for in your life. And you shall have it because you so wanted and you so deserved. Now, what do you want to create in your life that brings you money and happiness at least in the idea of working to sustain yourself monetarily? You have an amazing gift and it has been heard. Don't even doubt it. Ever.

The Victory sphere within the Kabala speaks to walking in the energy of recieving that which you know you have attained and so desired it. You must walk in the Victory energy once you realize your hearts desire. And it is yours.

All My Love,
Dottie

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From: dottie zold
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 6:30 am
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!

Mike :
Sadly

Mike! What is your next move?

Dottie

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From: Steinerhead
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 8:31 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods Not!

In a message dated 12/19/03 2:31:06 PM !!!First Boot!!!, dottie_z writes:

Mike :

Sadly

Mike! What is your next move?

Dottie

Hi Dottie:

I am planning to indulge heavily in some not to dangerous bad habits for a while.

Mike

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From: Joel Wendt
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 12:19 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods

Dear Mike and Christine,

I think we have to make a distinction between Karma, Fate, and Destiny. Karma involves recompense for past or future deeds. Fate is what comes to us because of our character defects as these unfold in life, and Destiny is what we make out of life through our spiritual freedom.

Karma and Fate can lead to crisis, and then we choose a path in the face of crisis that then leads to Destiny.

Most of what is "wrong" in the biography is not about "opposition", but about being challenged. Our phlegmatic nature tends for us to make choices and then get in ruts - going to sleep in a kind of way. Not being in Waldorf (which you both seek as an ideal), may actually save you from some even deeper pain.

Paulina taught for years in public schools, which may need you even more, if what you really want is to be a teacher. She would be a good resource to help think about such a change of direction.

Waldorf is in a lot of trouble. It expanded too fast and basically diluted its "spiritual capital". It hasn't been thought about carefully enough economically or socially, being too focused on its "cultural" inheritance from Steiner. The existence of PLANS is not so much the "opposition", but is more the reaction of the social body in America to an excess that is factually rooted in the shadow of the Society and Movement. Some of this I wrote about in my essay: The Social-Spiritual Organism of a Waldorf School Community, at: http://ipwebdev.com/hermit/ssows.html.

warm regards,
joel

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From: Gisele
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2003 3:02 pm
Subject: Re: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] lost in the woods

Steinerhead wrote:

In a message dated 12/18/03 5:37:08 AM !!!First Boot!!!, golden3000997 writes:

<snip>

We only live once as we are right now. We will be something or someone else another day. But today, this is who we are. So please, God, don't let it go to waste. Put me where I can be of some use. I know He will and that it is there, but I can't see it right now, or many other times. I feel lost in the woods.

~~~Christine, Michael, I have walked many times in those mocassins in those woods. Don't worry, flow with the tide: when the right time will come, all the pieces of puzzle of your life will fit into place as if moved by a power beyond you. Be patient and look for the signs.

I wanted to work with children in need all my life. When I felt ready to travel to Brazil to work with street children, I became pregnant. I said to myself: I will wait 'till the time is right. Then I became a single parent and got stuck in London and poverty for the following ten years. I realised that my old dream would perhaps never come true, and adjusted my expectations. I decided to train as a Steiner teacher (an upper school history teacher, would you believe it Michael?). After my first year of (wonderful) training, I dropped out. Why? I had no money to continue.

I was in deep desperation, unemployed and in huge debts. In the meantime I had placed my son in the local small Steiner school, but I didn't have the means to continue pay his school fees. When I spoke to the school bursar I broke down in tears, explaining about my huge debts. I believe that that conversation was the turning point of my life. I was at the bottom of the wheel and, although at the time I wasn't aware of it, that's when the wheel started to slowly move in the upwards direction. The bursar (who is now a friend) told me that he was concerned about my emotional state: I had kept my 'debts secret' all bottled up, he was the first person I ever told about it, and he said I should first of all seek a professional money advice.

I did, and with this (free) debt advisor helped me to deal with the creditors (various banks). At the same time the bursar contacted me a month later explaining that he had to much work in another office: would I like to be his assistant part time?

I accepted, and found myself working as assistant of the assistant of the treasurer for the Anthrop Society in this country. After three months, the bursar left, and I was offered to take his place. For almost 3 years I worked there, but in the meantime I was always without enough money to pay rent and moving from flat to houses with a rhythm of 2 moves per year.

I was also facing various problems on the home front: my son had been changing various schools also and had periods of long months out of school altogether. My job was my only secure area, but deep down I kept thinking: why did I end up working in accounts? It is all very well working for the society founded by Steiner, but what has become of my dream of working with live vibrant humans instead of sterile numbers? In a sense, I was 'accepting' my fate, but without comprehension: it didn't feel like fulfilling my destiny....

Through a chain of difficult circumstances that used up my survival skills to the last drop, last summer I finally decided: that's it! I had it! No matter what, I am getting out of this monstruous shrimp that is sucking up all my energies, dreams and creativity (London).

I told my employers that I just couldn't go on anymore. I didn't know how I would do it, but a Steiner school in another area of Britain had given a place to my son, and I was going to move there. It turned out that in that same area there was a college for difficult teenagers, founded on Steiner philosophy. My employers liked the way I worked for them, but understood my needs, and they paved the road for me to come to work here (in this college) and keep working for them on a free lance basis. So, without even realising it, I had come full cycle to the point of departure: the wheel has done a full round: I got what I wanted - working with young people in need, and with my son with me!

To end this long confession :-) I would like to offer another secret for you 2, Michael and Christine:

when I was 16, one night I had a dream: I was walking towards the exit of the cemetery in the alpine village where my ancestors sleep. I saw a tall man dressed in white surrounded by a small group of young people, walking in my direction. As we approached each other, I realised with terror that it was HIM! Jesus Christ in person!!!! What should I do, what should I do!!!!!! I felt so little and unworthy, I wanted to disappear. I made myself very small as we were crossing paths, trying to blend into the wall at the farthest side of Him.... yes, so that He wouldn't even notice me, insignificant worm in the earth. And when I almost made it, almost passed Him by, (of course my eyes where on the ground) I was stopped in my tracks. He had put a hand over my head, and... wonder.... He was speaking to me!

These were His words

Very hard times are coming. You will find yourself in great troubles, and sometimes it will seem as if there is no way out, no way forward. There will be times when you will feel at the bottom of the darkest desperation, and your desire for living will almost die. In those moments, REMEMBER these words, and know that, no matter what happen, at the end, REMEMBER!, EVERYTHING will end well .

...I woke up suddenly and there was this warmth over my head.... It has accompanied me in my darkest moments and I know it will always be there. I wish to share it with you with my best wishes.
With love from Gisele

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From: eyecueco
Date: Sat Dec 20, 2003 12:15 am
Subject: Re: lost in the woods

--- In anthroposophy_tomorrow@yahoogroups.com, Joel Wendt wrote:

Waldorf is in a lot of trouble. It expanded too fast and basically diluted its "spiritual capital". It hasn't been thought about carefully enough economically or socially, being too focused on its "cultural" inheritance from Steiner. The existence of PLANS is not so much the "opposition", but is more the reaction of the social body in America to an excess that is factually rooted in the shadow of the Society and Movement. Some of this I wrote about in my essay: The Social-Spiritual Organism of a Waldorf School Community, at: http://ipwebdev.com/hermit/ssows.html.

Yes!
On spot again, Joel, imo.
WE is in trouble, and much of this trouble has been brought on by WE.

I used to have stars in my eyes about WE, but, to be honest, since having spent a few years on the St. John's list, and especially after going through Lisa Ercola's problem off list daily for a month a few years ago until she got Olivia out of the ... WE school, I have become somewhat more cautious in my praise.

As you said to Peter at WC, there ARE many good schools, and many parents and students very pleased with what they are paying for, but, there are also problems in some schools. And, there are things that just do not belong in any classroom WE or public, such as the changing of handedness, tolerance for bullies, invasion of parental decisions about food, talk of the child's past life karma, etc. I am also opposed to the mandatory farm trip around 2nd grade without full parental agreement. Olivia was vert damaged by that experience, very damaged and it was long term damage.

Anyone involved with WC knows what an enemy WE made out of Lisa. :-(
So unnecessary.

I don't know about the "shadow of the Society and Movement" being the issue. I don't tend to think in that direction. I tend to be more pragmatic.
Maybe you are right, but, I don't see how one can really get much mileage out of such arguments when dealing with the secular mind.

I remember when I first started applying WE monograms to my curriculum. I wanted my students to start each class with Form Drawings because I knew these exercises were good for them, but I certainly was not going to justify these exercises to the student and parent on the basis that these exercises were going help their etheric bodies finish work left undone when they were sleeping!
That would have been nuts.
Additionally, if I could not provide practice _daytime_ results then I had no business applying such a requirement in my curriculum. What I could point to and did, was to explain that the Form Drawings improved handwriting and body coordination that would show up in improved sports performance, and it is true.

I came to believe over time that the From Drawings were the most important thing I ever gave my students. I know the students came to understand how beneficial these exercises were because I have run into a number of them as adults who have told me that they do the Form Drawings with their own children!

What better endorsement could you ask for that WE has much to offer if a student in the 7th grade doing five minutes of drawing exercises for a semester carries the affects of those exercises into their adult life to the point where a conscious desire arises in them for their own children to be given the same?

(We applied the exercises in pretty wonderful ways in art projects, too. There is a framed encaustic design that hangs outside the conference room of H&R Block Headquarter done by one of my high school students in 1991).

I think a lot of the problem in WE is some of the teachers WE hires, and then also what is missing in the teacher training. We are not in early 20th Century Germany anymore. There is a lot WE can learn from the secular domain about classroom management and also from information coming out of the brain research that has gone on for decades, but, I see WE disinterested and closed off from change. That is too bad, imo. I could never have succeeded in my job had it not been for what I took up from WE monograms, but, I owed my ability to successfully manage my classroom from Ed psych and I can tell you, when it came to inappropriate behavior on the part of a student the last thing on my mind was his or her the past life karma. HELLO?

Steiner never intended for what were _indications_ to be turned into iron clad, carved-into-stone rules.

Now, when it comes to attacking WE on the basis of Steiner being a racist, anti-Semitic, and responsible for Aryan Supremacist thinking that is just total and complete BS, and that is the reason I am on AT, to defend Steiner where possible, and to point to where Peter S. is off base, which is a lot.

I still feel bad about Lisa, though, and I still think about Olivia, especially this time of year.

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