Holy Marijuana and Revelations
The following article
is based upon a
post I wrote July 16 2002
to the following newsgroups: alt.atheism, alt.blasphemy, alt.drugs.pot,
alt.drugs.psychedelics, alt.games.half-life.counterstrike, alt.law-enforcement,
alt.politics.bush, and talk.politics.drugs. Fasten your seatbelts
and enjoy the ride:
I was driving in Las Vegas or Phoenix some
day in 1978 when I see this weird bumper sticker that reads:
"Uncle Sam and the Lord", and my girlfriend says "Yuck,
that's sick", and I say, "No wow that's great!"
A few months later, some Mormon girl the size of an elephant
had a biiiig crush on me in Phoenix and she took me to the Mormon
temple and I read and heard everything about this Joseph Smith
and his revelation and the golden Egyptian tablets that he translated
into Elisabethan English with a little help from Shakespeare
I guess, and there were so many revelations and religions in
America it freaked me out and I had to have one too - a revelation
of my very own. And my name was Taz, because Tarjei is a little
challenging in English-speaking countries, so Uncle Taz became
my alter-ego, an elf of sorts, Uncle Sam's cousin in fact and
a member of the board of planetary uncles and everything.
You don't have to read this if it's boring,
you see it involves some rhymes hymns psalms songs or poems or
whatever you call them. Just 2 of them, promise. So if you're
a rabid angry hippie-hater spitting and foaming and vomiting
at your monitor, please ignore my posts and I'll ignore yours
and we'll leave each other alone. But if you've been smoking
a little good stuff tonight or today (I'm on the other side of
the ocean remember), you just gotta read this, because I'm going
to tell you about some divine marijuana straight from Constellation
Headquarters in Heaven that was brought to the prophet Uncle
Taz by the archangel Starfinder after Uncle Sam shot him off
his clowd with a military jet. It was an accident, but Sammy
was in trouble and his rival Uncle Taz got the unauthorized underground
religious revelation from Starfinder, wrote The Book of Taz,
and founded the cult of Tazism. Later on, Tarjei Straume became
Pastor T. Straume of Futurum Ministries.
Well now where was I? Yes, Phoenix and the
Mormons. I didn't go for the Mormon trip, but I thought it was
funny and the Mormons were charming with their backpacks and
black shoes and white shirts coming door to door with the Bible
and the Book of Mormon in their hands. And at the same time,
there was a big evangelical revival going on at work. We were
selling water conditioners and they were selling Jesus too, and
we did the allegiance to the flag at work listening to Zieg Ziegler
and it was Uncle Sam and the Lord all the way - Sammy and Jesus.
And some of them were smoking pot, but they did not belong the
born-again crowd, but to the latter's target. I tried to negotiate
between them, compromise, because it was getting out of hand
for the company owner, who was a fundy Zieglerite and didn't
want all that pot and all that Jesus floating around. Wow, what
a trip, there I was an illegal alien going to church and reading
the Bible and smoking pot and selling water conditioners and
greeting the American flag and dreaming about getting rich on
Zieg Ziegler. Yes, I did it all.
Well, it just so happened that a good friend
of mine at that time - his name was Paul, and he was a very eager
evangelical fundy - was sent up to Salt Lake City by the boss
to set up an office there. He called me from Salt Lake, and I
laughed my head off. Imagine, there Paul was running around in
Utah trying to recruit evangelicals, and everyone he met was
a stubborn Mormon. This was why I wrote the following story:
The Epic of Paul in Mormon
Land
Paul went up to Mormon
Land
to do business there with Mormon man;
But when shaking every Mormon hand,
he knew he was no Mormon fan.
And all those folks in
Mormon Land
ran around in Utah's Mormon sand
in Mormon clothes and Mormon tan
saying, "Paul won't take a Mormon stand!"
One day a clever Mormon
clan
worked out a crafty Mormon plan:
Next morning, this whole Mormon band
pulled up to Paul in their Mormon van!
They said, "You're
an anti-Mormon man,
and your name is under Mormon ban!"
Paul said, "Listen, you morons of Mormon brand:
Jesus was never a Mormon fan!"
But then the startled Mormons
ran
like only startled Mormons can
across the desert's Mormon sand
in Mormon clothes and Mormon tan!
Now Paul is back from Mormon
Land,
the Mormon clan and the Mormon band.
When they came back, his truck outran
those Mormons in that Mormon van!
Well now, I'll get to my own revelation and
all that. The desert is so beautiful at night and it's perfect
for a flashy revelation. And does anybody else remember that
TV commercial for kosher hot dogs with Uncle Sam in it? Anyway,
here's the intro to the Book of Taz:
THE EPIC OF UNCLE TAZ,
UNCLE SAM, AND THE LORD
An angel of God with a
fractured wing
was seen by a pay phone one morning in spring.
He was dialling Uncle Sam collect
saying, "Nobody here has got any respect!!
One of your jets from some Air Force Base
knocked me right off my cloud, and I fell on my face!"
Uncle Sam, who was busy
with a rehearsal
for that season's kosher hot dog commercial,
realized his job and prestige was in trouble
and that something had to be done on the double.
He said, "Good you
decided to give me a ring,
'cause you can't fly to God with that injured wing
But right now I'm too busy making some green,
so IN GOD WE TRUST can be clearly seen.
Go look up my cousin Uncle Taz,
who is looking for angels and all that jazz,
But don't have my job taken away
unless God's Chosen Country be led astray."
So the angel of God went
about to see
where this Uncle Taz might possibly be.
He found him deep in the desert at last,
and just like the prophets he'd been on a fast.
When Taz saw the angel
of God come walking,
he gave him a beer and engaged in talking.
He said, "Miller, Michelob, Bud or Coors
Drink it Lite or make it yours!
However ridiculous this may sound,
I've been waiting for you and looking around.
The times are rough, and everyone waits
for a prophet in the United States,
But before I can publish my visualization,
I need some authorized high inspiration."
The angel of God just lit
up a joint
and thoughtfully answered, "You've got a good point -
But before you can dish out a new Holy Book,
we'll have to make sure that you're not just a crook!
Besides, how can you expect us to tell
whether or not you're a spy outa Hell?"
So Taz was brought to Intelligence
Quarters
(up on the beach by the Holy Waters).
They scanned the computer and named him Saint
a title most proper and fitting and quaint.
Uncle Taz was a frivolous
elf on the level
Son of the famous Tazmanian Devil!
He left his home for a better scam:
To join the league of his cousin Sam.
So The Book of Taz was
written and sent
to sages all over the continent
A journey to Infinity
to establish this curious trinity
with due respect and in proper accord:
Uncle Taz, Uncle Sam, and (of course) the Lord!
The only difference between me and Joseph
Smith is that I don't have my own state yet because Sammy won't
give me one. But as you've seen before, I do have a little budding
ministry (no pun intended), although nothing in my collection
hat yet:
http://www.uncletaz.com/anarchistphotos/blessing1.html
http://www.uncletaz.com/anarchistphotos/blessing2.html
You see, Starfinder (the angel in the story,
in fact an archangel) had to light up his special heavenly weed
in order for his wing to heal after that terrible accident with
Sammy's jet. And Uncle Taz was around to share it. He stopped
a Coors truck on the highway and got a case, so they got sort
of high together. And when Starfinder heard about Uncle Taz'
religious ambitions, he gave him that unauthorized revelation,
and that's how the Book of Taz came to be written.
You dig?
--
Sincerely:
His Holiness
pastor T. Straume
Futurum Ministries
(The Little Light)
http://uncletaz.com/
http://makeashorterlink.com/?D178344A7
Uncle
Taz Home Page 3
