Federal Agent


A federal agent vowed his plea
to enforce the federal codes.
With G-license plates he turned the key
and drove along federal roads.

He waved his badge each time he saw
a post office with a flag.
His warrants and guns to enforce the law
he kept in a federal bag.

He knew his one-eight-hundred line
in case of a federal flat.
He memorized every felony fine
and bribe for each federal rat.

Whenever he heard an airplane fly,
he notified FAA.
He dreamed of promotion to Superspy
in the wonderful CIA.

He stuck to his diet with careful heed
to the FDA´s daily percentage.
He drove what he thought was the federal speed
for agents with special advantage.

He kept his expression somber and stern
in federal elevators.
If anyone smiled, his face would burn
against frivolous instigators.

With special permission he cruised through the lairs
of national parks and beaches
inspecting some federal foxes and bears,
making sure they all do as he teaches.

The Department of the Interior
would get calls from him all the time
about squirrels ignoring his barrier
or beavers not toeing the line.

For each bump he saw on the interstate,
he complained to the DOT.
He greeted each federal license plate
saluting its "USG".

With scanners he eavesdropped the truckers' rap
and notified FCC.
Incensing the IRS, he would snap
about hookers not paying their fee.

He called INS and the Pentagon
about numerous UFOs.
His dream was to be the one counted on
to keep lawbreakers on their toes.

His trunk was full of treasures from
his customs-and-drug-control busts.
Through federal codes on his intercom,
Do Your Prospects Say No?
he reported his federal lusts.

He was food-and-sex spy for FDA
and Government-certified doctors,
intercepting all messages coming his was
from FBI helicopters.

He called up the Coast Guard just to make sure
that the whales were behaving themselves.
He asked if the guards had brought in from the shore
any undines, mermaids, or elves.

That's when Washington cancelled this agent´s file
and pensioned him off still young.
Since then he has travelled many a mile
with a warrant on Old King Kong.

He has picked up some useful clues for this quest
among inmates in federal care.
He is still a very welcome guest
among federals everywhere.

- Tarjei Straume, Houston 1988

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